Letter #10: Brain Fog

Dear Friend,
You mentioned how your brain has been spinning 24/7. Oh sister, how I relate! For months (years?!), I could not turn my brain off. I woke up exhausted every morning because my brain (bless her!) was working hard to understand something that wasn’t understandable.
2 plus 2 was no longer equalling 4 in any part of my life. But we kept running the numbers just to be sure!
What sleep I did get was filled with recurring dreams that featured me madly sorting through old films, trying to find the reel where it all began. Maybe, I reasoned, if we could hit the right rewind button, understand how things got off track, make adjustments and then somehow we could bypass this tragic chapter in our story and our children’s story!
I don’t blame either my brain or myself for trying. These computers we carry on our shoulders are so committed to our well being ~ finding order, reason, solutions, safety and ultimately a reboot. Executive function kicks into gear, surveying all the damage... let’s see, one arm and leg missing, shrapnel wounds to the kids, bleeding out a sense of self and wholeness... Like a military assessment of casualties, these wonderful brains of ours are trying to work a plan that will lead to our eventual healing.
The search and recovery mission ~ going through old photos, journaling, talking 100s of hours with friends who have known us both, remembering conversations in our marriage that seemed mundane at the time but may have held some clues ~ it’s all part of finding our way home. Eventually, It allows us to make decisions with the assurance that we have left no stone unturned. We have found the last flag of hope and either folded it away sadly or shaken it out for another round.
I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but one day my brain and I made peace with the past. Maybe it was my dear friends reminding me that I still had a beautiful life to live... I don’t know. But one day I woke up with a new thought that felt true: one man’s lack of love didn’t define who I was and his choices did not destine me to a loveless life. I have people in my life who love me; and those people in my life need my love.
Give it time, friend. The chatter in your brain will slow and a sense of well being will return. See a doctor if your sleep continues to be an issue. And remind that dear brain and heart of yours to lead a life of love, remembering His truths: You are never alone. You are precious to God. You matter. You are loved. You bring Him such joy. You can sleep knowing He won’t close His eyes. You are His beloved child. NOTHING can separate you from His love. He HOLDS you and your future.

Psalm 56:8 “You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.”